1 00:00:13,037 --> 00:00:16,692 ♪ My words are lazy ♪ ♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪ 2 00:00:16,692 --> 00:00:19,870 ♪ But this is one thing ♪ ♪ I'm sure of ♪ 3 00:00:19,870 --> 00:00:23,438 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 4 00:00:23,438 --> 00:00:26,006 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 5 00:00:31,969 --> 00:00:34,536 Blaire: Is there someone present in this house? 6 00:00:35,059 --> 00:00:36,712 Is there a spirit here? 7 00:00:38,671 --> 00:00:39,933 John : Oh. 8 00:00:40,151 --> 00:00:41,239 I just wanna point out you got 9 00:00:41,239 --> 00:00:42,414 a fuckin' talkin' teddy bear here. 10 00:00:42,631 --> 00:00:43,894 A ghost ain't that big a deal. 11 00:00:44,068 --> 00:00:45,112 Shh. Quiet. 12 00:00:45,983 --> 00:00:47,941 Will you answer our questions? 13 00:00:49,987 --> 00:00:52,859 How many times a day does Johnny jerk off? 14 00:00:53,033 --> 00:00:53,860 Fuck you, man. 15 00:00:55,993 --> 00:00:57,211 Eighty-seven? 16 00:00:57,429 --> 00:00:58,952 Oh, hang on, he's heading for the zero. 17 00:00:59,170 --> 00:01:00,475 All right, fuck this. This is bullshit. 18 00:01:00,693 --> 00:01:02,477 He said, storming off to masturbate. 19 00:01:03,261 --> 00:01:05,524 Whoa. Hey, Blaire, what's all that? 20 00:01:05,524 --> 00:01:06,742 Oh, just some booze 21 00:01:06,742 --> 00:01:08,266 for my birthday party tomorrow night. 22 00:01:08,483 --> 00:01:09,658 That's a lot of alcohol. 23 00:01:09,658 --> 00:01:11,617 Yeah, well, you know, college crowd. 24 00:01:11,617 --> 00:01:13,445 Hey, Blaire, do you think maybe me and Teddy 25 00:01:13,662 --> 00:01:14,359 could steal a couple beers? 26 00:01:14,576 --> 00:01:15,403 Oh, yeah! 27 00:01:15,621 --> 00:01:17,362 Ha! Hilarious. 28 00:01:17,579 --> 00:01:19,059 No. - Oh, come on. 29 00:01:19,059 --> 00:01:20,843 We'll wait until Mom and Dad are asleep to drink 'em. 30 00:01:21,018 --> 00:01:23,020 And-- And we'll do it all in our room so no one will know. 31 00:01:23,237 --> 00:01:24,673 The ghosts will know. 32 00:01:24,891 --> 00:01:26,153 The ghosts have seen my asshole. 33 00:01:26,153 --> 00:01:27,720 Why do I care if they see me drink a beer? 34 00:01:27,938 --> 00:01:29,983 Wait. Why'd you show 'em your asshole? 35 00:01:30,201 --> 00:01:31,724 They asked. 36 00:01:31,942 --> 00:01:33,987 Sometimes I use the board when you guys aren't around. 37 00:01:39,297 --> 00:01:43,692 all: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ 38 00:01:43,910 --> 00:01:45,738 Happy birthday, Blaire. 39 00:01:45,956 --> 00:01:47,870 Blow out your candles. 40 00:01:48,045 --> 00:01:49,220 Oh, for God's sakes, do you have to do this 41 00:01:49,437 --> 00:01:50,438 every fuckin' year? 42 00:01:50,656 --> 00:01:52,136 It's his birthday too, damn it. 43 00:01:52,136 --> 00:01:53,746 I'm sorry, Blaire. 44 00:01:53,964 --> 00:01:55,226 Matty insisted. 45 00:01:55,443 --> 00:01:56,923 You have the same birthday as Reagan? 46 00:01:57,097 --> 00:01:58,272 Yes, and I don't need 47 00:01:58,272 --> 00:02:00,013 to be constantly fucking reminded of it. 48 00:02:00,231 --> 00:02:01,710 Hey, watch your mouth. 49 00:02:01,710 --> 00:02:03,016 You're talking about the greatest fuckin' president 50 00:02:03,234 --> 00:02:04,409 this country's ever had. 51 00:02:04,409 --> 00:02:05,497 That doesn't mean you need to leave 52 00:02:05,497 --> 00:02:06,628 an empty seat for him every year. 53 00:02:06,846 --> 00:02:08,282 Like he's fuckin' Elijah the prophet. 54 00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:10,110 It's like the ghost is sitting there. 55 00:02:10,328 --> 00:02:11,198 What ghost? 56 00:02:11,198 --> 00:02:12,199 Blaire has a Ouija board, 57 00:02:12,417 --> 00:02:13,461 and we were talking to a ghost, 58 00:02:13,679 --> 00:02:14,941 and it watches Johnny jerk off 59 00:02:15,115 --> 00:02:16,073 and he showed it his butthole. 60 00:02:16,073 --> 00:02:17,335 Blaire, I don't like having 61 00:02:17,552 --> 00:02:19,859 a Ouija board in this house. 62 00:02:20,033 --> 00:02:21,382 We're churchgoing people. 63 00:02:21,382 --> 00:02:24,255 Okay, listen, thank you so much for the cake. 64 00:02:24,472 --> 00:02:26,083 Really, I-- I do appreciate it. 65 00:02:27,171 --> 00:02:29,434 I'll have some of it later, but right now, 66 00:02:29,651 --> 00:02:31,479 me and Sarah are gonna go up and get ready for the party. 67 00:02:31,697 --> 00:02:33,916 - Okay. - Just keep the noise down, huh? 68 00:02:34,091 --> 00:02:37,094 Oh, come on, Matty. It's her birthday. 69 00:02:37,311 --> 00:02:38,791 Hey, hey. Don't sit. That's for Reagan! 70 00:02:40,923 --> 00:02:42,795 That-- That's for Reagan. 71 00:02:47,104 --> 00:02:48,192 ♪ Murderer ♪ 72 00:02:48,192 --> 00:02:49,584 ♪ I'm the lyrical gangster ♪ 73 00:02:49,584 --> 00:02:50,368 ♪ Murderer ♪ 74 00:02:52,935 --> 00:02:54,502 ♪ Still love you like that ♪ 75 00:02:54,502 --> 00:02:55,503 ♪ Murderer ♪ 76 00:02:58,985 --> 00:03:01,335 - ♪ Yes, we mul-ti-ply ♪ - Happy birthday. 77 00:03:04,121 --> 00:03:06,123 Oh, man, these chicks are so hot. 78 00:03:07,602 --> 00:03:09,082 Oh, God. 79 00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:11,258 Ted: Shouldn't her vagina be starting? 80 00:03:11,824 --> 00:03:13,565 - Huh? - She's pulling way down there. 81 00:03:13,782 --> 00:03:15,654 It should be starting. There's nothing there. 82 00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:16,916 Oh, yeah. Look at that. 83 00:03:16,916 --> 00:03:18,918 I'm gonna write a letter to these bums. 84 00:03:20,093 --> 00:03:21,573 Dear Sports Illustrated, 85 00:03:21,790 --> 00:03:25,142 the woman on page 64 has no vagina. 86 00:03:25,359 --> 00:03:27,579 You have got some nerve. 87 00:03:27,796 --> 00:03:29,755 I have drawn a sketch to indicate 88 00:03:29,972 --> 00:03:31,409 what I feel we are owed. 89 00:03:31,626 --> 00:03:33,411 Sincerely, Jason Bateman. 90 00:03:33,628 --> 00:03:35,282 Oh, man. This sucks. 91 00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:36,936 I'm 17 years old. 92 00:03:37,110 --> 00:03:39,417 It's Friday night, and there's beer in my house 93 00:03:39,634 --> 00:03:40,940 and I can't get to it. 94 00:03:41,158 --> 00:03:43,377 Hey, you know, I could probably go get some. 95 00:03:43,595 --> 00:03:44,857 - How? - Well, that room's 96 00:03:45,075 --> 00:03:46,206 probably packed with people. 97 00:03:46,206 --> 00:03:47,381 Nobody's gonna notice a guy my size 98 00:03:47,599 --> 00:03:48,730 slippin' in and slippin' out. 99 00:03:48,948 --> 00:03:50,123 You really think you can do it? 100 00:03:50,341 --> 00:03:52,386 Does Magic Johnson have AIDS? 101 00:03:52,604 --> 00:03:54,127 - What the fuck? - What? 102 00:03:54,345 --> 00:03:56,173 What the fuck kind of response is that? 103 00:03:56,390 --> 00:03:58,305 - What? I'm saying yes. - Then just say yes. 104 00:03:58,523 --> 00:03:59,785 - I did. - No, you didn't. 105 00:03:59,785 --> 00:04:01,178 You said, "Does Magic Johnson have AIDS?" 106 00:04:01,395 --> 00:04:03,180 - I never said that. - You literally just said it. 107 00:04:03,397 --> 00:04:04,616 Okay, I did, but you laughed. 108 00:04:04,833 --> 00:04:05,878 No, I didn't. 109 00:04:06,531 --> 00:04:08,141 I feel like we're growing apart. 110 00:04:12,624 --> 00:04:15,235 Jesus Christ, would you listen to that? 111 00:04:15,235 --> 00:04:18,064 Sounds like they're having a goddamn or-gee. 112 00:04:18,238 --> 00:04:20,327 I think it's pronounced "orjy." 113 00:04:20,545 --> 00:04:23,156 No, no, you're thinking of "orijami." 114 00:04:23,374 --> 00:04:24,679 What's that? 115 00:04:25,245 --> 00:04:26,812 That's that-- that thing where the Japanese 116 00:04:27,029 --> 00:04:28,074 fuck around with paper. 117 00:04:28,248 --> 00:04:29,162 Keep it down! 118 00:04:29,380 --> 00:04:32,426 Oh, they're just havin' fun. 119 00:04:32,644 --> 00:04:34,994 Remember when we were her age? Matty: No. 120 00:04:35,168 --> 00:04:37,431 - We'd go to parties. - Yeah, that was different. 121 00:04:37,431 --> 00:04:38,911 We-- We were doing the Twist. 122 00:04:39,129 --> 00:04:41,131 These degenerates are doing the Lambada. 123 00:04:41,305 --> 00:04:42,175 Oh. Matt-- 124 00:04:42,393 --> 00:04:43,437 It's forbidden, Susan. 125 00:04:43,655 --> 00:04:47,137 We were young and passionate. 126 00:04:47,311 --> 00:04:49,182 Do you ever miss it? Even just a little? 127 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:50,357 No. 128 00:04:52,316 --> 00:04:54,274 - Matty. - What? 129 00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,146 Do you love me? 130 00:04:56,972 --> 00:04:58,409 What the hell kinda question is that, Susan? 131 00:04:58,626 --> 00:04:59,845 Of course I do. 132 00:05:00,062 --> 00:05:01,238 It's just... 133 00:05:01,977 --> 00:05:04,197 I never know what you're feeling anymore. 134 00:05:04,415 --> 00:05:05,372 I feel fine. 135 00:05:06,243 --> 00:05:09,202 But you like your life with me? 136 00:05:09,420 --> 00:05:10,508 Yeah. 137 00:05:10,508 --> 00:05:12,205 It's okay to share your feelings. 138 00:05:12,423 --> 00:05:13,641 Jesus Christ, Susan, 139 00:05:13,641 --> 00:05:15,077 I'm ju-- I'm just trying to read here. 140 00:05:18,211 --> 00:05:20,474 - Are your stools any better? - Fuckin' awful. 141 00:05:20,692 --> 00:05:22,955 Just piles of eyebrows for three days. 142 00:05:23,173 --> 00:05:25,697 - Oh, I'm sorry. - You know what? 143 00:05:26,132 --> 00:05:28,134 I'm gonna try and coax one out right now. 144 00:05:35,315 --> 00:05:37,099 Matty: Oh. 145 00:05:37,274 --> 00:05:38,971 Oh, Christ. Susan. 146 00:05:38,971 --> 00:05:42,235 Call the doctor. Ask why diarrhea would be white. 147 00:05:48,459 --> 00:05:51,244 Um, so, what did your parents say? 148 00:05:51,462 --> 00:05:53,420 Um... 149 00:05:53,638 --> 00:05:55,596 nothing. I di-- I didn't tell them. 150 00:05:56,293 --> 00:05:57,555 Are you fucking kidding me? 151 00:05:57,772 --> 00:05:59,252 Sarah, we-- we talked about this. 152 00:05:59,470 --> 00:06:01,254 I know, I know. I'm sorry. 153 00:06:01,472 --> 00:06:03,909 This was the only thing I wanted for my birthday. 154 00:06:04,126 --> 00:06:06,303 Blaire, they're just not ready, okay? 155 00:06:06,303 --> 00:06:08,261 We'd be saving ourselves. 156 00:06:08,479 --> 00:06:10,698 You are such a hypocrite. 157 00:06:10,916 --> 00:06:12,744 You-- You sat in that bed right there 158 00:06:12,961 --> 00:06:14,876 and gave me shit for not telling Matty and Susan. 159 00:06:15,094 --> 00:06:17,270 Well, maybe I was fucking wrong. 160 00:06:17,488 --> 00:06:18,750 Maybe it wasn't a good idea. 161 00:06:18,967 --> 00:06:20,795 No, no. It was. 162 00:06:21,013 --> 00:06:22,188 And I did it. 163 00:06:22,362 --> 00:06:24,973 And, yeah, it was fuckin' hard as shit, 164 00:06:25,191 --> 00:06:26,366 but I did it. 165 00:06:26,584 --> 00:06:28,281 And eventually they understood. 166 00:06:28,499 --> 00:06:30,979 And so will your parents. Sarah: No. It's different. 167 00:06:30,979 --> 00:06:32,720 Blaire: That's so not fair. 168 00:06:32,938 --> 00:06:34,679 Blaire, I'm just protecting us. 169 00:06:34,896 --> 00:06:37,290 No, I don't need your fucking protection, okay? 170 00:06:37,508 --> 00:06:41,294 I put myself out there in front of my family for you, 171 00:06:41,512 --> 00:06:42,904 and I deserve that same respect. 172 00:06:43,818 --> 00:06:45,603 It's not the right time. 173 00:06:47,909 --> 00:06:49,171 Fuck you then. 174 00:06:49,346 --> 00:06:50,434 Excuse me? 175 00:06:50,434 --> 00:06:53,611 - I'm-- I'm sorry. - No. It's fine. 176 00:06:53,828 --> 00:06:54,916 I'll see you later. 177 00:06:55,134 --> 00:06:56,353 No. Sarah, wait. 178 00:06:56,353 --> 00:06:57,963 Sarah: Happy birthday. 179 00:07:01,532 --> 00:07:02,446 Fuck! 180 00:07:07,842 --> 00:07:09,235 Ah, fuck. 181 00:07:10,541 --> 00:07:11,803 Hey. 182 00:07:12,282 --> 00:07:14,719 You okay? - The fuck are you doing here? 183 00:07:14,936 --> 00:07:16,329 I'm a pot-smoking teddy bear 184 00:07:16,547 --> 00:07:17,765 who was told he couldn't have beer, 185 00:07:17,983 --> 00:07:19,071 so I'm stealing beer. 186 00:07:19,289 --> 00:07:20,551 Whatever. 187 00:07:20,768 --> 00:07:22,335 Do whatever the fuck you want. 188 00:07:22,553 --> 00:07:24,729 You, uh, you want one? 189 00:07:25,773 --> 00:07:27,122 Thanks. 190 00:07:31,039 --> 00:07:34,608 ♪ Rollin' down the street ♪ ♪ Smokin' indo ♪ 191 00:07:34,608 --> 00:07:36,871 ♪ Sippin' on gin and juice ♪ 192 00:07:36,871 --> 00:07:39,657 ♪ Laid back with my mind ♪ ♪ On my money ♪ 193 00:07:40,310 --> 00:07:43,313 It's like she thinks the rules are different for her 194 00:07:43,487 --> 00:07:44,575 than they are for me. 195 00:07:44,575 --> 00:07:46,141 - Totally. - You know what I mean? 196 00:07:46,141 --> 00:07:50,058 It's like I took shit from a talking dump truck for her. 197 00:07:50,276 --> 00:07:52,322 - Yup. - You know, I almost alienated 198 00:07:52,496 --> 00:07:55,237 my whole family because I loved her. 199 00:07:55,412 --> 00:07:57,370 And now, now she wants to play it safe 200 00:07:57,588 --> 00:07:58,458 that it's fucking flipped. 201 00:07:58,676 --> 00:08:00,330 Love is a two-way street, 202 00:08:00,330 --> 00:08:02,375 and she doesn't-- she doesn't get that. 203 00:08:02,593 --> 00:08:04,812 Exactly. I mean, what the fuck? 204 00:08:05,030 --> 00:08:06,379 Love is a battlefield. 205 00:08:06,597 --> 00:08:07,685 - Yes. - Right. 206 00:08:07,685 --> 00:08:09,774 Holy shit. Wait, who the fuck-- 207 00:08:09,991 --> 00:08:10,992 Who thought of that? Did you-- 208 00:08:10,992 --> 00:08:12,211 - I did. - Did you think of that? 209 00:08:12,385 --> 00:08:13,865 I write poetry on the side. 210 00:08:14,082 --> 00:08:17,477 We are young, and no one can tell us we're wrong. 211 00:08:17,695 --> 00:08:18,870 Jesus. 212 00:08:18,870 --> 00:08:21,089 That's-- That's fuckin' word art, man. 213 00:08:21,307 --> 00:08:23,004 - Listen, you gotta do... - What? 214 00:08:23,222 --> 00:08:25,572 ...what you think is the rightsest for you. 215 00:08:25,790 --> 00:08:29,924 And if she knows what she's got, then she's got to get in it. 216 00:08:30,142 --> 00:08:31,622 - Yes. - 'Cau-- 'Cause you're cool. 217 00:08:31,839 --> 00:08:33,798 Oh, fuck you. You're cool. 218 00:08:34,015 --> 00:08:36,017 Listen, you listen to your pal Ted 219 00:08:36,235 --> 00:08:37,758 'cause he's got your back. 220 00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:50,641 Am I lesbian now? 221 00:08:50,858 --> 00:08:52,425 Okay, I'm going to bed. 222 00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:55,602 Me, too. 223 00:09:16,797 --> 00:09:17,537 Oh! 224 00:09:28,505 --> 00:09:29,636 Ted! 225 00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:31,595 Ted! 226 00:09:35,468 --> 00:09:37,601 Ah, Jesus. 227 00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:39,820 I kissed you. 228 00:09:40,342 --> 00:09:41,996 - Yeah. - I was drunk. 229 00:09:42,388 --> 00:09:44,259 - Yeah. - My head was all fucked up. 230 00:09:44,434 --> 00:09:45,522 Yeah. 231 00:09:45,522 --> 00:09:46,348 Please forget this ever happened 232 00:09:46,523 --> 00:09:47,306 till the day you die. 233 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:48,829 Oh, thank God, 234 00:09:48,829 --> 00:09:50,309 I thought you were gonna make me marry you. 235 00:09:50,309 --> 00:09:52,877 Hey, you got a shirt? It's kinda cold this morning. 236 00:09:52,877 --> 00:09:54,444 Yeah. 237 00:09:57,490 --> 00:09:59,536 Uh, also, I borrowed 238 00:09:59,753 --> 00:10:01,625 a pair of shoes and a handbag from Aunt Suse. 239 00:10:01,842 --> 00:10:03,322 Could you take 'em and bring 'em back to her? 240 00:10:03,496 --> 00:10:04,584 Sure. 241 00:10:05,106 --> 00:10:07,282 Don't be humiliated. You can do this. 242 00:10:07,282 --> 00:10:08,849 You are a strong, independent-- 243 00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:09,937 Ted? 244 00:10:09,937 --> 00:10:11,635 Ted: Oh, hey, Mrs. Fechko. 245 00:10:12,462 --> 00:10:13,637 Are you okay? 246 00:10:13,854 --> 00:10:15,203 Yeah, I-I'm fine, thank you. 247 00:10:16,596 --> 00:10:18,598 Well, you look like a whore! 248 00:10:27,781 --> 00:10:29,653 Where the hell have you been? 249 00:10:29,870 --> 00:10:30,958 Oh, I don't wanna talk right now. 250 00:10:31,176 --> 00:10:32,090 I just wanna sleep. 251 00:10:32,307 --> 00:10:33,308 I waited up all night for you. 252 00:10:33,483 --> 00:10:34,440 Look, could we please just-- 253 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:35,659 We were supposed to drink beer. 254 00:10:35,876 --> 00:10:37,356 You never came back with the beer. 255 00:10:37,530 --> 00:10:40,707 Things got, uh, out of hand. 256 00:10:40,707 --> 00:10:41,665 Oh, what things? 257 00:10:41,882 --> 00:10:42,666 And why do you got lipstick 258 00:10:42,883 --> 00:10:43,841 all over your face? 259 00:10:43,841 --> 00:10:45,277 Did you hook up with somebody? 260 00:10:45,495 --> 00:10:49,281 I-- I fucked Mrs. Fechko. 261 00:10:49,716 --> 00:10:51,109 - What? - I fucked Mrs. Fechko. 262 00:10:51,326 --> 00:10:52,197 Okay? Are you happy. 263 00:10:52,197 --> 00:10:53,938 You fucked Mrs. Fechko? 264 00:10:54,155 --> 00:10:55,592 She invited me in 'cause she had 265 00:10:55,592 --> 00:10:57,550 way too much potato salad, and she was panicking. 266 00:10:57,768 --> 00:10:59,160 Next thing I know, she's taking her teeth out. 267 00:10:59,378 --> 00:11:01,249 - No way. - Johnny, I swear. 268 00:11:01,902 --> 00:11:03,513 Okay. Well, how was it? 269 00:11:03,730 --> 00:11:05,732 Oh, she was amazing. Nothing was off the table. 270 00:11:05,950 --> 00:11:08,866 Arabian Goggles, Dirty Trombone, Rusty Trombone. 271 00:11:09,083 --> 00:11:10,432 There were so many trombones, I thought I was 272 00:11:10,607 --> 00:11:11,695 in the Glenn Miller Orchestra. 273 00:11:11,912 --> 00:11:13,305 Holy shit. That's amazing. 274 00:11:14,567 --> 00:11:16,700 - Does she have a friend? - Huh? 275 00:11:16,917 --> 00:11:18,615 Like, for me. Like, maybe we could double date. 276 00:11:18,832 --> 00:11:20,399 Oh, yeah. John, you don't want to, uh-- 277 00:11:20,573 --> 00:11:23,097 Teddy, I have struck out with every girl in school. 278 00:11:23,315 --> 00:11:26,753 But maybe there's somebody out there who's older, sure, 279 00:11:27,449 --> 00:11:29,495 but lonely, just like me. 280 00:11:30,235 --> 00:11:31,758 And I could give her my heart. 281 00:11:31,976 --> 00:11:33,673 And she could school me in the ancient art 282 00:11:33,673 --> 00:11:34,718 of making whoopee. 283 00:11:34,935 --> 00:11:35,806 You sure? 284 00:11:36,633 --> 00:11:37,547 Teddy, 285 00:11:38,025 --> 00:11:39,766 society may not see older women 286 00:11:39,984 --> 00:11:41,986 as useful or sexy or even human, 287 00:11:42,552 --> 00:11:44,118 but John Bennett does. 288 00:11:44,945 --> 00:11:48,427 John Bennett's not afraid to rub your back with BENGAY. 289 00:11:48,601 --> 00:11:51,212 Yeah, John Bennett's not afraid to blow his load 290 00:11:51,430 --> 00:11:53,127 on a bowl of butterscotch candy. 291 00:11:53,345 --> 00:11:55,260 John Bennett's not afraid to finger-bang you 292 00:11:55,477 --> 00:11:57,044 while you watch The People's Court. 293 00:11:57,044 --> 00:11:59,743 John Bennett's not afraid to hear your moans of pleasure 294 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,222 and/or arthritic pain. 295 00:12:01,222 --> 00:12:03,137 John Bennett's not afraid to talk dirty 296 00:12:03,355 --> 00:12:05,444 twice as loud as my normal speaking voice. 297 00:12:05,444 --> 00:12:07,968 John Bennett's not afraid to do the same role play 298 00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:09,535 for five days in a row 299 00:12:09,535 --> 00:12:10,928 'cause you keep forgettin' we did it already. 300 00:12:11,145 --> 00:12:12,756 John Bennett's not afraid to fuck you 301 00:12:12,973 --> 00:12:14,758 while staring at a black and white photograph 302 00:12:14,975 --> 00:12:16,368 of your son who died in the war. 303 00:12:16,586 --> 00:12:17,543 Okay. Yeah, that's the one. 304 00:12:24,811 --> 00:12:26,770 Blaire, wh-what's all this? 305 00:12:26,987 --> 00:12:28,249 You can take this out with the trash. 306 00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:30,730 I'm never drinking again. 307 00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:36,388 Matty, did you notice 308 00:12:36,606 --> 00:12:39,652 your bacon and eggs were shaped like a smiley face? 309 00:12:39,870 --> 00:12:40,827 Yup. 310 00:12:41,045 --> 00:12:42,350 Do you like it? 311 00:12:43,047 --> 00:12:44,788 Susan, I don't need my breakfast to be having 312 00:12:45,005 --> 00:12:46,311 a better day than I am. 313 00:12:47,442 --> 00:12:49,836 All right, I gotta go to the hardware store. 314 00:12:52,926 --> 00:12:53,884 All right. 315 00:13:33,793 --> 00:13:35,839 You were, for a while then, during your 20s 316 00:13:36,056 --> 00:13:37,449 and your single days or when you were younger, 317 00:13:37,667 --> 00:13:39,364 you were easy, as we would have said. 318 00:13:39,581 --> 00:13:40,887 woman: Younger than that, actually. 319 00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:42,062 That was the problem. 320 00:13:42,062 --> 00:13:43,498 - In your teenage years. - Yeah, yeah. 321 00:13:43,498 --> 00:13:45,675 Just-- So you would walk into a crowded room 322 00:13:45,849 --> 00:13:47,851 and head right for the guy that would make you the... 323 00:13:48,068 --> 00:13:49,722 Who is it? Blaire: It's me. 324 00:13:49,940 --> 00:13:51,158 Phil Donahue:... grab him with both hands. 325 00:13:51,158 --> 00:13:52,551 woman: Or he'd grab me-- Donahue: Right. 326 00:13:52,725 --> 00:13:53,987 Donahue: In any event, this was 327 00:13:53,987 --> 00:13:55,336 a neurotic satisfaction that you were... 328 00:13:57,512 --> 00:13:58,862 woman: Yes, it wasn't so much a neurotic satisfaction... 329 00:13:59,079 --> 00:13:59,863 Hey. 330 00:14:00,428 --> 00:14:01,560 Hi. 331 00:14:01,734 --> 00:14:02,866 Can I come in? 332 00:14:02,866 --> 00:14:03,693 woman: I couldn't do what, quote, 333 00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:04,868 other girls could do. 334 00:14:05,085 --> 00:14:05,999 I couldn't sit there 335 00:14:05,999 --> 00:14:07,044 and keep my mouth closed, 336 00:14:07,261 --> 00:14:08,306 not give my opinion 337 00:14:08,523 --> 00:14:09,873 and be a-- 338 00:14:11,788 --> 00:14:12,876 Listen. 339 00:14:13,441 --> 00:14:15,792 I'm sorry about last night. 340 00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:20,187 I didn't mean for things to get so nasty. 341 00:14:23,190 --> 00:14:24,235 Me neither. 342 00:14:24,670 --> 00:14:26,890 And I'm sorry about the fuck you. 343 00:14:27,934 --> 00:14:28,935 It's okay. 344 00:14:29,936 --> 00:14:31,285 I slept on it... 345 00:14:32,939 --> 00:14:34,898 and I understand why you were upset. 346 00:14:35,899 --> 00:14:39,641 I-- I guess I was using sort of a double standard. 347 00:14:40,947 --> 00:14:42,819 I don't know, I guess 348 00:14:43,036 --> 00:14:44,603 I just didn't want to deal with the stress. 349 00:14:44,777 --> 00:14:47,214 But that wasn't fair to you. 350 00:14:47,432 --> 00:14:50,957 And I do apologize. 351 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,440 Yeah. Um-- 352 00:14:55,657 --> 00:14:58,312 So, there's one more thing 353 00:14:58,530 --> 00:15:01,402 I need to tell you about last night. 354 00:15:01,620 --> 00:15:02,577 What? 355 00:15:02,752 --> 00:15:04,318 I, uh-- 356 00:15:06,407 --> 00:15:08,105 I made out with someone. 357 00:15:09,671 --> 00:15:12,457 Who? Kathleen? 358 00:15:12,674 --> 00:15:13,806 - No. - Steven? 359 00:15:14,024 --> 00:15:15,634 - No. - Who? 360 00:15:16,287 --> 00:15:17,331 Ted. 361 00:15:18,289 --> 00:15:19,943 - Oh, my God. - I was wasted. 362 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,640 It just happened. - What the fuck? 363 00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:23,207 What the actual fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? 364 00:15:23,424 --> 00:15:24,599 - It didn't mean anything-- - What kind of fucked-up 365 00:15:24,774 --> 00:15:25,949 West Virginia shit is that? 366 00:15:26,166 --> 00:15:27,341 - I'm so sorry. - Oh, my God. 367 00:15:27,341 --> 00:15:28,690 And to think you gave your uncle shit 368 00:15:28,865 --> 00:15:29,866 for jacking off a dog. 369 00:15:30,083 --> 00:15:30,997 - Hold on. - No! 370 00:15:30,997 --> 00:15:32,782 Fuck you! Get out! - Sarah. 371 00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:34,174 We're done. 372 00:15:34,827 --> 00:15:36,786 - What do you mean? - I mean, we're done. 373 00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:37,787 For real. 374 00:16:07,207 --> 00:16:08,730 man : It is that you're a savings and loan officer. 375 00:16:08,905 --> 00:16:09,993 man: Watch. 376 00:16:10,210 --> 00:16:12,822 One, two, three. See? 377 00:16:12,996 --> 00:16:14,998 You've got it all, and we've got nothing. 378 00:16:15,215 --> 00:16:17,000 And you have all four... - Blaire? 379 00:16:17,217 --> 00:16:18,218 But I wouldn't trust you with... 380 00:16:18,436 --> 00:16:20,003 What's wrong? 381 00:16:20,220 --> 00:16:21,047 Nothing. 382 00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:23,049 But you're crying. 383 00:16:23,267 --> 00:16:25,922 I just really don't want to talk about it, Aunt Suse. 384 00:16:25,922 --> 00:16:27,010 You want me-- You want me 385 00:16:27,227 --> 00:16:28,968 to make you the cakes? 386 00:16:29,490 --> 00:16:30,709 The little cakes. 387 00:16:30,883 --> 00:16:33,277 - What? - Cupcakes! 388 00:16:33,886 --> 00:16:35,932 The cupcakes. That's what they are. 389 00:16:35,932 --> 00:16:37,890 No, I'm-- I'm okay. 390 00:16:37,890 --> 00:16:38,891 Oh. 391 00:16:39,936 --> 00:16:43,026 Sarah and I, we-- we broke up. 392 00:16:43,243 --> 00:16:45,028 Oh. 393 00:16:45,245 --> 00:16:48,858 Oh, Blaire, I'm so sorry. 394 00:16:49,075 --> 00:16:51,861 It's all right. I just wanna be alone. 395 00:16:52,035 --> 00:16:54,037 But you can talk to Susan. 396 00:16:54,994 --> 00:16:58,084 ♪ Dr. Susan's in the house ♪ 397 00:16:58,084 --> 00:17:00,043 ♪ Ch, ch-ch, ch-ch ♪ ♪ Ch, ch-ch, ch-ch ♪ 398 00:17:00,260 --> 00:17:01,087 Are you drunk? 399 00:17:01,087 --> 00:17:02,872 No! 400 00:17:03,089 --> 00:17:04,438 No, I would never. 401 00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:06,876 I-- I just had a little bit 402 00:17:07,050 --> 00:17:09,443 of, um, wine from your box. 403 00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,793 Shh. 404 00:17:12,098 --> 00:17:15,058 Everybody deserves a little wine now and then, 405 00:17:16,102 --> 00:17:17,060 don't you think? 406 00:17:17,277 --> 00:17:18,191 I guess. 407 00:17:18,888 --> 00:17:21,891 Blaire, what are Goonies? 408 00:17:22,108 --> 00:17:22,892 What? 409 00:17:22,892 --> 00:17:24,545 I heard people talking 410 00:17:24,763 --> 00:17:25,764 about Goonies. 411 00:17:25,764 --> 00:17:26,896 Aunt Suse, I just really want 412 00:17:27,113 --> 00:17:28,201 to be by myself. 413 00:17:28,201 --> 00:17:31,117 Oh, okay. I, uh-- I understand. 414 00:17:31,335 --> 00:17:33,076 Blaire: Okay. - Okay, sweetheart. 415 00:17:33,859 --> 00:17:36,949 I'm gonna be thinking the thoughts about you. 416 00:17:37,167 --> 00:17:38,472 - Okay? - Okay. 417 00:17:38,951 --> 00:17:40,039 Okay. 418 00:17:42,999 --> 00:17:44,478 Dr. Susan... 419 00:17:45,784 --> 00:17:48,482 is in the house. 420 00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:50,093 She's like... 421 00:17:56,316 --> 00:17:58,057 All right. 422 00:18:01,147 --> 00:18:03,715 Oh, wow, there she is. - Huh? 423 00:18:03,933 --> 00:18:05,108 Mrs. Fechko. 424 00:18:05,325 --> 00:18:06,936 God, buddy, you were right. 425 00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:08,111 I don't know how I didn't see it before, 426 00:18:08,328 --> 00:18:09,939 but she's got this, like, raw, 427 00:18:09,939 --> 00:18:12,115 sexual animal magnetism to her. 428 00:18:12,332 --> 00:18:13,594 Go ask her. 429 00:18:13,812 --> 00:18:14,987 About-- About what? 430 00:18:15,205 --> 00:18:16,336 About a friend for me. 431 00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:18,469 Okay. 432 00:18:23,343 --> 00:18:25,389 Hey, uh, Mrs. Fechko. Hi, there. 433 00:18:25,606 --> 00:18:27,869 Hi. Ted: Mrs. Fechko. 434 00:18:28,044 --> 00:18:29,132 May I call you Rebecca? 435 00:18:29,349 --> 00:18:30,611 My name is Gert. 436 00:18:30,611 --> 00:18:32,874 Oh, that's-- that's beautiful, as well. 437 00:18:33,049 --> 00:18:35,965 Listen, I have a decent proposal for you. 438 00:18:36,139 --> 00:18:37,444 My friend John and I-- 439 00:18:37,662 --> 00:18:39,011 The Down syndrome boy? 440 00:18:39,229 --> 00:18:40,317 He doesn't have Down syndrome. 441 00:18:40,534 --> 00:18:42,145 - Are you sure? - Yes. 442 00:18:42,362 --> 00:18:44,277 I think he does. 443 00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:50,153 Well, be that as it may, he and I would like to take you 444 00:18:50,370 --> 00:18:53,156 and one of your friends out to a restaurant of your choosing. 445 00:18:53,373 --> 00:18:55,071 Why? 446 00:18:55,071 --> 00:18:57,856 I got-- gotta be honest here, I thought you'd just say yes. 447 00:18:58,030 --> 00:18:59,684 Uh, because-- because we have lived 448 00:18:59,901 --> 00:19:01,860 across from you all these years, 449 00:19:02,034 --> 00:19:04,254 and I gotta believe there's more to Gert Fechko 450 00:19:04,471 --> 00:19:07,170 than just yelling about how we need a stop sign here. 451 00:19:07,387 --> 00:19:10,216 We do! People come zooming by at all hours! 452 00:19:10,434 --> 00:19:12,175 And paranoia about the Chinese. 453 00:19:12,392 --> 00:19:15,395 They're taking over the town! They even have their own bank! 454 00:19:15,613 --> 00:19:16,788 You see, the truth is, 455 00:19:16,788 --> 00:19:18,790 John could use an old-fashioned lesson 456 00:19:19,008 --> 00:19:20,835 in manners and such. - How come? 457 00:19:21,010 --> 00:19:23,055 Because everyone in your generation is brilliant, 458 00:19:23,273 --> 00:19:25,188 while everyone today is a dumb piece of shit. 459 00:19:25,405 --> 00:19:27,668 That's all I wanted to hear. I'll call my friend Mildred. 460 00:19:27,886 --> 00:19:30,454 - Terrific. - Dinner, 11:00 a.m. sharp. 461 00:19:30,671 --> 00:19:31,716 We'll be there. 462 00:19:37,548 --> 00:19:40,029 Matty. Matty: God damn it! 463 00:19:40,029 --> 00:19:41,247 What's the matter? 464 00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:42,422 I fuckin' sneezed while I was pissing. 465 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,903 Got in my fuckin' eye. 466 00:19:45,077 --> 00:19:46,861 Uh, there's a clean pair of pants 467 00:19:47,036 --> 00:19:48,211 right there in the drawer. 468 00:19:48,428 --> 00:19:49,473 Great. 469 00:19:51,083 --> 00:19:52,519 Hi. 470 00:19:52,737 --> 00:19:54,521 You wanna horse around? 471 00:19:54,739 --> 00:19:55,609 What? 472 00:19:55,827 --> 00:19:57,220 Johnny's in the front yard. 473 00:19:57,437 --> 00:19:58,612 He can't hear us. 474 00:19:59,265 --> 00:20:00,310 It's day. 475 00:20:00,527 --> 00:20:01,485 Even better, 476 00:20:01,485 --> 00:20:04,183 we can see each other's bodies. 477 00:20:04,183 --> 00:20:05,663 I got piss in my eyes, Susan. 478 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,317 Oh, I don't mind. 479 00:20:08,883 --> 00:20:10,233 Let's dance. 480 00:20:10,450 --> 00:20:12,278 - Is that wine? - Yeah. 481 00:20:12,496 --> 00:20:14,759 I just had a little bit of wine. 482 00:20:14,759 --> 00:20:16,326 - What are you doing? - ♪ Don't you remember ♪ 483 00:20:16,326 --> 00:20:19,068 ♪ You told me ♪ ♪ You loved me, baby? ♪ 484 00:20:19,068 --> 00:20:20,286 Susan, stop it. 485 00:20:20,286 --> 00:20:23,855 ♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby ♪ 486 00:20:24,073 --> 00:20:24,986 ♪ Oh, baby ♪ - What are you doing? 487 00:20:25,161 --> 00:20:27,250 For fuck's sake, Susan! 488 00:20:27,467 --> 00:20:28,642 That woman is dead! 489 00:20:36,215 --> 00:20:39,088 ♪ I love you ♪ 490 00:20:45,137 --> 00:20:49,272 First guy I ever loved was a total nothing. 491 00:20:49,489 --> 00:20:52,884 The second was worse. My mom called me a bum magnet. 492 00:20:53,102 --> 00:20:54,929 If there was a bum within a 50-mile radius, 493 00:20:55,104 --> 00:20:56,235 I was completely attracted. 494 00:20:56,453 --> 00:20:58,063 - Hey. - Hi. 495 00:20:58,237 --> 00:20:59,195 Julia Roberts: That's how I ended up here. 496 00:20:59,412 --> 00:21:01,414 - You watching this? - Yeah. 497 00:21:01,632 --> 00:21:02,676 Richard Gere: Hmm. 498 00:21:02,894 --> 00:21:04,113 There's-- There's a hockey game. 499 00:21:04,287 --> 00:21:05,462 Watch it upstairs. 500 00:21:06,115 --> 00:21:09,379 I-- I can't-- I can't go upstairs. 501 00:21:09,901 --> 00:21:11,685 - Why not? - Nothing. 502 00:21:11,903 --> 00:21:15,036 Gere: So, you chose this as your profession. 503 00:21:15,211 --> 00:21:17,430 I worked at a couple fast food places. 504 00:21:18,475 --> 00:21:20,216 Parked cars at wrestling. 505 00:21:20,433 --> 00:21:22,305 What's the story? They married? 506 00:21:22,522 --> 00:21:24,002 No. 507 00:21:24,002 --> 00:21:25,917 She was a hooker and made it sound so great. 508 00:21:26,135 --> 00:21:27,223 She his girlfriend? 509 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:28,963 She's a prostitute. 510 00:21:29,399 --> 00:21:30,226 What? 511 00:21:30,443 --> 00:21:31,488 She's a prostitute, 512 00:21:31,705 --> 00:21:33,446 and he's falling in love with her. 513 00:21:33,664 --> 00:21:34,839 It's not like anybody plans this. 514 00:21:35,056 --> 00:21:37,494 It's not your childhood dream. 515 00:21:37,711 --> 00:21:39,452 Gere: You should be so much more. 516 00:21:39,670 --> 00:21:41,019 Ain't he worried about the clap? 517 00:21:41,454 --> 00:21:43,152 - No. - Why not? 518 00:21:43,326 --> 00:21:44,762 Because she fuckin' douches a lot. 519 00:21:44,979 --> 00:21:47,068 I don't fuckin' know. I'm trying to watch. 520 00:21:47,243 --> 00:21:48,157 Christ. Okay. 521 00:21:48,157 --> 00:21:49,897 I'm just kickin' the tires. 522 00:21:50,115 --> 00:21:51,856 Don't bite my goddamn head off. 523 00:21:52,073 --> 00:21:54,380 Gere: You're a bright, very special woman. 524 00:21:54,598 --> 00:21:56,643 You gonna-- You gonna watch all of those? 525 00:21:56,861 --> 00:21:59,907 Yeah, Matty, 'cause that's what you do after a breakup. 526 00:22:00,125 --> 00:22:03,476 You lay under a blanket and you watch a bunch of chick flicks. 527 00:22:06,523 --> 00:22:08,133 I don't want you to get too excited. 528 00:22:08,307 --> 00:22:09,395 This is only on loan. 529 00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:17,577 - Roberts: Oh! - Jesus. Asshole. 530 00:22:17,795 --> 00:22:19,231 Roberts: They're gonna let you borrow this for... 531 00:22:20,798 --> 00:22:22,669 Gere: Princess Vivian! 532 00:22:22,887 --> 00:22:23,714 Come down! 533 00:22:28,545 --> 00:22:30,503 It had to be the top floor, right? 534 00:22:30,721 --> 00:22:31,809 Roberts: It's the best. 535 00:22:31,809 --> 00:22:33,506 Gere: All right, I'm coming up. 536 00:22:38,555 --> 00:22:41,688 Oh, wow. She was the pretty woman. 537 00:22:46,737 --> 00:22:50,567 So, Mildred, Teddy has told me so much about you, 538 00:22:50,784 --> 00:22:53,526 but he neglected to mention your eyes. 539 00:22:53,744 --> 00:22:55,572 They're like nice manhole covers. 540 00:22:55,572 --> 00:22:58,052 Well, I didn't know one of you was a stuffed bear, 541 00:22:58,227 --> 00:22:59,532 so I guess we're even. 542 00:22:59,750 --> 00:23:00,968 Welcome to Armand's. 543 00:23:01,186 --> 00:23:02,535 Take your time. 544 00:23:02,753 --> 00:23:03,884 I'll be back in a bit. 545 00:23:04,668 --> 00:23:06,409 God, there's something extra depressing 546 00:23:06,626 --> 00:23:08,411 about a bald waiter, am I right? 547 00:23:08,628 --> 00:23:09,716 I might request someone else. 548 00:23:09,934 --> 00:23:11,805 I would like to propose a toast. 549 00:23:12,284 --> 00:23:13,546 To budding romance. 550 00:23:13,764 --> 00:23:15,592 - For who? - For you and Teddy. 551 00:23:15,592 --> 00:23:17,942 Yeah, yeah, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie. 552 00:23:18,159 --> 00:23:19,552 We're playing it cool here, Johnny. 553 00:23:19,770 --> 00:23:23,556 Hmm. So, Mildred, tell me about yourself. 554 00:23:23,774 --> 00:23:25,079 Who is Mildred? 555 00:23:25,254 --> 00:23:26,603 Well, I'm from Connecticut. 556 00:23:26,820 --> 00:23:28,735 Ah. The "Show Me" state. 557 00:23:28,953 --> 00:23:29,954 I'm a widow. 558 00:23:29,954 --> 00:23:32,217 My Franklin died eight years ago. 559 00:23:32,391 --> 00:23:35,089 Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What from? 560 00:23:35,264 --> 00:23:38,441 Crohn's disease. It's actually named after him. 561 00:23:39,050 --> 00:23:41,487 Well, Mrs. Disease, Ted may just-- 562 00:23:41,705 --> 00:23:43,794 No, Crohn. Mildred Crohn. 563 00:23:44,011 --> 00:23:45,622 Well, Mrs. Crohn, I-- 564 00:23:45,839 --> 00:23:47,624 I know that I can't replace Franklin, 565 00:23:47,841 --> 00:23:50,061 but with time I believe that you'll find me 566 00:23:50,279 --> 00:23:51,192 a worthy companion. 567 00:23:51,889 --> 00:23:54,457 Ardent, steadfast 568 00:23:54,674 --> 00:23:57,503 and prepared to lend a strong paternal hand to your... 569 00:23:57,721 --> 00:23:59,070 Nine sons. 570 00:23:59,288 --> 00:24:02,247 Yes. I am ready to step in as their father. 571 00:24:02,421 --> 00:24:03,770 Uh, what, uh-- 572 00:24:03,988 --> 00:24:06,033 Uh, what about your parents, Mrs. Fechko? 573 00:24:06,251 --> 00:24:08,253 Most of my father is in a jar. 574 00:24:08,427 --> 00:24:10,864 Mildred, may I just say your brooch is exquisite? 575 00:24:11,082 --> 00:24:12,213 Oh, thank you. 576 00:24:12,388 --> 00:24:13,824 And your locket is divine. 577 00:24:14,041 --> 00:24:16,609 Oh, Franklin brought it back from Morocco. 578 00:24:16,827 --> 00:24:18,742 And your stickpin is resplendent. 579 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,614 Would you excuse me for a second? 580 00:24:21,832 --> 00:24:24,748 Gert, will you join me in the little girls' room? 581 00:24:31,189 --> 00:24:32,625 You think they're spraying their vaginas 582 00:24:32,843 --> 00:24:34,148 with eau de toilette? 583 00:24:34,323 --> 00:24:35,498 Yeah, I really don't know 584 00:24:35,498 --> 00:24:36,934 what the fuck is happening anymore. 585 00:24:38,979 --> 00:24:40,720 Shut the door! Shut the door! 586 00:24:40,938 --> 00:24:42,548 Do you see what's going on here? 587 00:24:42,766 --> 00:24:44,028 - What? - They're bandits! 588 00:24:44,245 --> 00:24:46,247 They're trying to steal our jewels! 589 00:24:46,422 --> 00:24:47,814 - You think so? - Yes! 590 00:24:47,814 --> 00:24:50,339 They want to bamboozle us out of our fortunes! 591 00:24:50,339 --> 00:24:52,645 Mine won't quit staring at my amulet! 592 00:24:52,863 --> 00:24:54,168 They're grifters! 593 00:24:54,343 --> 00:24:55,822 Oh, my God! 594 00:24:55,822 --> 00:24:57,955 The one with Down syndrome is the flimflam artist, 595 00:24:58,172 --> 00:25:00,087 and the bear is the bagman. 596 00:25:00,305 --> 00:25:02,438 Thank God all my money's in traveler's checks. 597 00:25:02,655 --> 00:25:04,570 They're probably going from town to town, 598 00:25:04,788 --> 00:25:07,486 pulling this little stunt all across the country. 599 00:25:07,704 --> 00:25:09,880 But they lived across the street from me for 18 years. 600 00:25:10,097 --> 00:25:12,448 Even worse! It's a long con! 601 00:25:12,665 --> 00:25:15,712 Well, then I am not spraying my vagina with eau de toilette. 602 00:25:15,712 --> 00:25:18,889 Oh, no! Let's get out of here! 603 00:25:19,846 --> 00:25:22,675 You fucking thieves! 604 00:25:26,418 --> 00:25:29,856 Oh, I'm so glad we don't have to fuck 'em after they ate. 605 00:25:56,448 --> 00:25:57,971 Patrick Swayze: Tell her it's for luck. 606 00:25:58,189 --> 00:25:59,712 Whoopi Goldberg: Sam says it's for luck. 607 00:26:07,851 --> 00:26:09,243 Matty? 608 00:26:10,593 --> 00:26:11,637 Yeah? 609 00:26:12,769 --> 00:26:14,858 - Are you okay? - Yeah-- 610 00:26:15,554 --> 00:26:16,947 I was just sleeping. 611 00:26:17,164 --> 00:26:18,731 You just fuckin' woke me up. 612 00:26:18,949 --> 00:26:20,907 Oh, sorry. 613 00:26:21,473 --> 00:26:24,607 Um, yeah, you know what? I'm getting tired, too. 614 00:26:24,824 --> 00:26:26,522 I'm gonna go say good night to Susan and go to bed. 615 00:26:26,739 --> 00:26:28,393 Yeah. Me, too. I'm gonna go to bed as well. 616 00:26:28,567 --> 00:26:30,743 I'm just gonna turn the lights off first. 617 00:27:04,211 --> 00:27:06,039 Aunt Suse? 618 00:27:07,476 --> 00:27:10,130 - Blaire. - Hi. 619 00:27:13,220 --> 00:27:16,833 Listen, I just wanted to apologize 620 00:27:17,050 --> 00:27:19,270 for being so short with you this afternoon. 621 00:27:19,488 --> 00:27:21,794 No, no, no. It's fine. 622 00:27:22,012 --> 00:27:25,842 I know you're having a sad day, and it's your birthday week, 623 00:27:25,842 --> 00:27:27,539 and I'm so sorry. 624 00:27:28,235 --> 00:27:30,803 Are you still drinking? 625 00:27:31,021 --> 00:27:32,501 Well-- 626 00:27:32,675 --> 00:27:35,416 You know who I read likes to drink now and then? 627 00:27:36,026 --> 00:27:39,203 Me. 628 00:27:39,420 --> 00:27:41,510 I started keeping a diary. 629 00:27:41,684 --> 00:27:44,382 Oh, my God. Okay. 630 00:27:45,339 --> 00:27:46,819 Um-- 631 00:27:48,081 --> 00:27:49,605 Is something going on? 632 00:27:49,822 --> 00:27:50,736 Like what? 633 00:27:50,954 --> 00:27:52,259 I don't know. I-- 634 00:27:52,477 --> 00:27:54,435 Anything you need to talk about? 635 00:27:54,610 --> 00:27:57,526 I mean, I've hardly ever seen you drink wine. 636 00:27:58,657 --> 00:28:01,617 Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone. 637 00:28:02,487 --> 00:28:03,488 What do you mean? 638 00:28:03,662 --> 00:28:05,882 When we were younger, 639 00:28:05,882 --> 00:28:08,406 Matty used to share things with me. 640 00:28:09,538 --> 00:28:12,715 Sometimes he'd even tell me how he was feeling. 641 00:28:12,932 --> 00:28:13,846 He did? 642 00:28:14,064 --> 00:28:15,413 Yeah. 643 00:28:16,109 --> 00:28:18,851 And it's been years since he shared anything. 644 00:28:19,765 --> 00:28:21,985 Last night I began to wonder, 645 00:28:22,855 --> 00:28:25,423 is this all there is until the end? 646 00:28:25,902 --> 00:28:27,468 Me sitting alone, 647 00:28:27,643 --> 00:28:31,168 trying to guess if Matty still loves me? 648 00:28:31,385 --> 00:28:33,126 I'm sure he still loves you. 649 00:28:33,344 --> 00:28:36,347 Ah, he never says it to me anymore. 650 00:28:36,565 --> 00:28:38,567 He never does anything romantic. 651 00:28:39,959 --> 00:28:42,875 Doesn't even put in the effort to smell neutral anymore. 652 00:28:43,572 --> 00:28:45,748 Listen, 653 00:28:45,965 --> 00:28:48,751 I really do wanna talk about this with you, okay? 654 00:28:48,968 --> 00:28:53,103 It-- It's just-- I've had kind of a rough day myself. 655 00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:54,365 I know. 656 00:28:54,583 --> 00:28:56,715 But tomorrow, 657 00:28:56,933 --> 00:29:00,197 what if we did, like, girls' day or something? 658 00:29:00,414 --> 00:29:02,199 I'd love that. 659 00:29:02,416 --> 00:29:06,986 And for now, I'm just gonna put this back in the box. 660 00:29:07,204 --> 00:29:08,335 Susan: Okay. - Okay. 661 00:29:08,727 --> 00:29:11,469 I'm gonna ride my bike to Taco Bell. 662 00:29:15,952 --> 00:29:16,909 Patrick Swayze: I love you, Molly. 663 00:29:19,956 --> 00:29:21,435 I've always loved you. 664 00:29:28,965 --> 00:29:29,618 Ditto. 665 00:29:29,835 --> 00:29:30,619 Matty? 666 00:29:34,884 --> 00:29:38,714 Blaire. I was-- I was just looking for hockey. 667 00:29:38,931 --> 00:29:40,977 And, uh, sports and scores. 668 00:29:41,194 --> 00:29:43,632 I wanted-- I wanted hock-- I wanted sports and hockey. 669 00:29:43,806 --> 00:29:44,937 Did you turn Ghost back on? 670 00:29:45,546 --> 00:29:47,636 - No. - You're crying. 671 00:29:47,853 --> 00:29:50,247 - No, I'm not. - You're crying at Ghost. 672 00:29:50,464 --> 00:29:51,465 Fuck off! 673 00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:52,945 Matty, it's okay. 674 00:29:53,163 --> 00:29:55,469 I'm not crying! It-- I'm just-- 675 00:29:56,035 --> 00:29:57,384 It's-- It's piss. 676 00:29:57,602 --> 00:29:59,648 It's okay if the story moved you. 677 00:29:59,648 --> 00:30:01,171 That's what it's supposed to do. 678 00:30:01,388 --> 00:30:02,955 I wasn't fuckin' crying! 679 00:30:03,173 --> 00:30:05,001 Okay, why don't you sit down? 680 00:30:05,218 --> 00:30:06,959 I wanna show you something. 681 00:30:10,876 --> 00:30:14,619 God! I'm so mad, I don't know what to do. 682 00:30:14,793 --> 00:30:16,142 I wanna know why. 683 00:30:16,142 --> 00:30:18,971 I wanna know why Shelby's life is over. 684 00:30:19,189 --> 00:30:21,017 I wanna know how that baby will ever know 685 00:30:21,234 --> 00:30:23,193 how wonderful his mother was. 686 00:30:23,410 --> 00:30:26,979 Will he ever know what she went through for him? 687 00:30:27,197 --> 00:30:30,026 Oh, God. I wanna know why! 688 00:30:30,243 --> 00:30:31,201 Why? 689 00:30:31,201 --> 00:30:33,029 Goddamn right, why? 690 00:30:33,638 --> 00:30:35,858 Wh-Why did it have to be Shelby, huh? 691 00:30:36,075 --> 00:30:38,077 She-- She had her-- She had her whole life ahead of her! 692 00:30:38,295 --> 00:30:40,036 I know, it's-- it's so sad. 693 00:30:40,253 --> 00:30:42,865 She was such a ray of sunshine! 694 00:30:42,865 --> 00:30:46,172 What's the point of love when it causes so much pain? 695 00:30:46,390 --> 00:30:48,697 She gave so much and asked so little. 696 00:30:48,871 --> 00:30:50,046 Why couldn't it have been Shirley MacLaine 697 00:30:50,263 --> 00:30:51,700 with the diabetes? 698 00:30:51,874 --> 00:30:53,614 It doesn't make any goddamn sense! 699 00:30:53,789 --> 00:30:55,704 - And the baby! - Oh, God! 700 00:30:55,878 --> 00:30:57,270 The baby! 701 00:30:57,270 --> 00:30:59,708 Wh-Wh-What's gonna happen to the fuckin' baby? 702 00:30:59,708 --> 00:31:01,013 He's never gonna know his mother. 703 00:31:01,231 --> 00:31:02,493 I want some fuckin' answers! 704 00:31:02,711 --> 00:31:04,408 I want some fuckin' goddamn answers! 705 00:31:04,625 --> 00:31:06,323 And I want 'em right now! - Matty. 706 00:31:06,540 --> 00:31:08,499 Matty. It's just a movie. 707 00:31:14,548 --> 00:31:16,072 My God. 708 00:31:17,769 --> 00:31:19,292 This is what chick flicks are? 709 00:31:19,510 --> 00:31:23,253 Yes. The whole point is to get you to feel something. 710 00:31:23,470 --> 00:31:25,646 To share an emotive experience through a narrative. 711 00:31:25,821 --> 00:31:27,126 Blaire, 712 00:31:27,736 --> 00:31:30,042 you cannot tell anybody that I fuckin' cried. 713 00:31:30,260 --> 00:31:31,478 I won't. 714 00:31:32,392 --> 00:31:35,656 But there is one person you need to tell. 715 00:31:35,831 --> 00:31:37,528 What? What the fuck you talkin' about? 716 00:31:37,746 --> 00:31:40,139 Matty, do you see what's happening right now? 717 00:31:40,357 --> 00:31:41,924 Aunt Suse needs to see this. 718 00:31:42,141 --> 00:31:43,969 - Jesus. No way. - Why not? 719 00:31:44,187 --> 00:31:45,318 I don't wanna look like fuckin' Boy George 720 00:31:45,536 --> 00:31:46,493 in front of my wife. 721 00:31:46,493 --> 00:31:48,669 Besides, I think she's drunk. 722 00:31:48,844 --> 00:31:52,325 Uh, yeah, she's been drinking. You know why? 723 00:31:52,543 --> 00:31:55,328 It's because she's starved for any kind of human feeling. 724 00:31:55,546 --> 00:31:57,983 If she saw you like this right now, 725 00:31:58,201 --> 00:31:59,855 she'd love you like the day you married her. 726 00:32:00,769 --> 00:32:01,987 I don't know. 727 00:32:02,205 --> 00:32:03,989 Matty, there's no shame in being vulnerable 728 00:32:04,207 --> 00:32:05,599 with the person that you love. 729 00:32:05,599 --> 00:32:08,385 Sure, maybe you feel a little stupid right now, 730 00:32:08,602 --> 00:32:10,082 but don't you also feel kinda good? 731 00:32:10,300 --> 00:32:13,085 Like, kinda relaxed and free? 732 00:32:14,130 --> 00:32:16,045 I guess so. 733 00:32:17,133 --> 00:32:18,090 Yeah, I do. 734 00:32:18,308 --> 00:32:20,571 Your wife needs you right now. 735 00:32:20,789 --> 00:32:22,138 She needs this, Matty. 736 00:32:22,965 --> 00:32:24,357 I don't know how to do that. 737 00:32:26,359 --> 00:32:28,100 Do you have a ladder? 738 00:32:34,150 --> 00:32:35,499 Matty: Susan! Susan: Yeah. 739 00:32:35,716 --> 00:32:37,109 Matty: Susan! - I know. 740 00:32:37,631 --> 00:32:39,111 Matty: Susan! 741 00:32:41,331 --> 00:32:42,767 Matty? 742 00:32:49,426 --> 00:32:50,601 Matty! 743 00:32:50,819 --> 00:32:53,343 Princess Susan! I need you! 744 00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:54,823 What are you doing? 745 00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:56,389 I'm comin' up! 746 00:32:59,610 --> 00:33:00,829 Are those roses? 747 00:33:01,046 --> 00:33:02,308 I'm on my way. 748 00:33:02,526 --> 00:33:05,137 I'm comin' up, Princess Susan! 749 00:33:05,355 --> 00:33:06,225 I'm comin' up! 750 00:33:11,361 --> 00:33:14,103 Fuck! 751 00:33:14,712 --> 00:33:15,974 Blaire: Careful. Matty: A little more. 752 00:33:15,974 --> 00:33:17,280 Blaire: Careful. I know. Yep. Matty: Easy. 753 00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:18,455 Easy, for fuck's sake. - All right. All right. 754 00:33:18,672 --> 00:33:21,153 - Sorry. God. - Jesus Christ! 755 00:33:21,371 --> 00:33:22,459 Fuck, I need a beer. - Okay. 756 00:33:22,676 --> 00:33:23,634 Yeah, I'll-- I'll get you that. 757 00:33:23,852 --> 00:33:25,331 - Yeah. - Thank you, Blaire. 758 00:33:25,331 --> 00:33:28,160 - God Almighty. - All right. Over to the couch. 759 00:33:28,987 --> 00:33:30,554 - Here. - Give me that. 760 00:33:30,771 --> 00:33:34,123 I feel like a jackass, Susan. 761 00:33:35,472 --> 00:33:36,995 I just-- I just wanted to make you feel 762 00:33:37,213 --> 00:33:38,431 like a special prostitute. 763 00:33:38,649 --> 00:33:41,173 Oh, Matty! 764 00:33:41,391 --> 00:33:43,697 I do feel like one. 765 00:33:43,872 --> 00:33:47,266 That was the sweetest, most wonderful gesture 766 00:33:47,484 --> 00:33:50,095 I've ever seen in my life. 767 00:33:50,313 --> 00:33:51,488 This-- This is what happens 768 00:33:51,488 --> 00:33:53,229 when you show your fuckin' feelings. 769 00:33:53,446 --> 00:33:54,795 Well, 770 00:33:54,795 --> 00:33:56,667 you don't ever have to show your feelings again 771 00:33:56,885 --> 00:33:58,190 if you don't wanna. 772 00:33:58,887 --> 00:34:01,193 'Cause now I know how much you love me. 773 00:34:06,285 --> 00:34:08,200 I love you, Matty. 774 00:34:09,245 --> 00:34:10,463 Ditto. 775 00:34:23,302 --> 00:34:25,914 Sounds like we all had a shitty week, huh? 776 00:34:26,088 --> 00:34:27,393 Yeah. 777 00:34:27,611 --> 00:34:29,526 Hey, Blaire, I'm really sorry about Sarah. 778 00:34:29,961 --> 00:34:31,006 Me, too. 779 00:34:31,223 --> 00:34:32,746 But, hey, look on the bright side. 780 00:34:32,746 --> 00:34:34,923 Now you got more time to get stoned with me and Teddy. 781 00:34:35,314 --> 00:34:38,927 I mean, I guess if Sarah hadn't broken up with me, 782 00:34:39,101 --> 00:34:40,493 Matty never would have opened up to Susan 783 00:34:40,711 --> 00:34:42,887 and she'd still be drinking wine in bed, 784 00:34:43,061 --> 00:34:45,759 so, yeah, maybe it was all worth it. 785 00:34:46,456 --> 00:34:50,025 Susan is the kindest, most selfless person alive. 786 00:34:50,242 --> 00:34:51,722 And she deserves to be happy. 787 00:34:51,940 --> 00:34:53,245 Yeah, but you'd still have a girlfriend 788 00:34:53,463 --> 00:34:55,247 if you'd just given me and Johnny those beers. 789 00:34:55,465 --> 00:34:56,422 That's also true. 790 00:34:56,422 --> 00:34:57,946 I mean, if you got us, like, 791 00:34:58,163 --> 00:34:59,860 a bunch more beer, who knows? 792 00:35:00,035 --> 00:35:01,297 Maybe it'll cause a chain of events 793 00:35:01,514 --> 00:35:03,255 that'll lead to Sarah taking you back. 794 00:35:03,473 --> 00:35:04,778 Fair enough. 795 00:35:04,778 --> 00:35:07,956 It didn't. It didn't help anything. 796 00:35:08,130 --> 00:35:09,958 Mildred, I love you! 797 00:35:16,747 --> 00:35:21,099 ♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪ ♪ Of someone dreadful ♪ 798 00:35:21,099 --> 00:35:24,276 ♪ And yet, alas ♪ ♪ That someone adores you ♪ 799 00:35:25,712 --> 00:35:29,586 ♪ Everybody needs ♪ ♪ A best friend ♪ 800 00:35:29,586 --> 00:35:32,197 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 801 00:35:32,197 --> 00:35:34,983 ♪ I'm just a clown ♪ 802 00:35:35,679 --> 00:35:38,290 ♪ And I'll bring you down ♪ 803 00:35:39,117 --> 00:35:40,989 ♪ But you just don't care ♪ 804 00:35:40,989 --> 00:35:43,687 ♪ 'Cause your ♪ 805 00:35:45,210 --> 00:35:47,299 ♪ Best friend is me ♪